As a therapist, I’ve heard it all.
• “Just think happy thoughts.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “At least it’s not worse.”
• “Look on the bright side!”
These phrases often come wrapped in well-meaning intentions, like a motivational meme wearing rose-coloured glasses. But behind their glittery optimism hides a very real problem: toxic positivity.
Yes, positivity can be toxic. Like chocolate cake for breakfast every day—fun in theory, but eventually your body (and mind) protest.
So, What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how difficult or painful a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. It’s the emotional equivalent of putting a smiley face sticker over a gas leak. It doesn’t fix the problem—it just masks it with a sunny slogan.
It’s not that positivity is bad. I’m a big fan of hope, resilience, and finding silver linings. But when positivity becomes a way to avoid discomfort, deny emotions, or shut down meaningful conversations, we cross into dangerous territory.
Real Emotions Aren’t a Problem to Solve
We’ve all been there—someone shares something hard, and we immediately want to cheer them up:
• Your friend just lost their job “Everything happens for a reason.”
• Someone’s going through a breakup “You’ll find someone even better!”
• They’re struggling with depression “You have so much to be grateful for.”
The intention is often kindness. We want to lift people up. But here’s the problem: by skipping straight to the “bright side,” we’re sending the message that their pain is inconvenient, or worse, invalid.
That’s not support—that’s avoidance dressed up in pastel colours.
Emotions Need Space to Breathe
One of the things I often tell clients is this: you can’t heal what you won’t feel.
We all want to fast-forward through pain, sadness, anger, fear—those “messy” emotions that don’t fit well in a cheery Instagram post. But emotions aren’t meant to be pushed aside. They’re signals. They tell us when something matters. When something’s off. When something needs our attention.
Ignoring those signals doesn’t make us stronger. It just makes us disconnected—from ourselves and each other.
Imagine breaking your leg and someone saying, “At least you have another one!” Technically true. Still not helpful.
The Positivity Olympics
We’re living in a culture that treats happiness like a competition. Be grateful! Be productive! Manifest your dreams! Smile more!
Social media certainly hasn’t helped. We scroll through curated lives with perfect homes, perfect partners, perfect morning routines involving matcha, yoga, and sunrise journaling. Meanwhile, some days we’re just trying to make it to lunch without crying in a bathroom stall.
And when we’re struggling, we may start to feel like something’s wrong with us. Like if we were just more positive, more “aligned,” we’d feel better. But healing isn’t a vibe—it’s a process.
Positivity becomes toxic when it shames people for being human.
Signs You’re Dealing with Toxic Positivity
Let’s be real: sometimes it sneaks up on us. Here are a few signs to look out for—in others and yourself:
• You feel guilty for having negative emotions.
• You downplay your own struggles because “others have it worse.”
• You shut down emotional conversations with platitudes.
• You avoid difficult emotions in favour of staying “good vibes only.”
• You feel pressure to be cheerful all the time—even when things are objectively awful.
If any of these feel familiar, congratulations! You’re a human being navigating a messy world. No shame here. But it might be time to rethink how we respond—to others and ourselves.
The Power of Sitting in the Mess
Here’s the good news: we don’t have to fix everything. Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is just be there.
When someone opens up about pain, they’re not asking you to fix it. They’re asking to be seen. To be heard. To not be alone with it.
Imagine someone says, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and anxious lately.” You don’t have to reply with a TED Talk about mindset. Try something like:
• “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.”
• “I can’t imagine exactly what you’re going through, but I care.”
• “It’s okay to not be okay.”
These aren’t solutions. They’re connections. And connection is what helps people heal.
The Therapist's Dilemma: When Positivity Gets Personal
Let me be honest, therapists aren’t immune to this, either. We want to empower our clients. We want them to feel hope, possibility, growth. But sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is just sit with them in the darkness, without trying to flip on the light.
One of the bravest things a client can do is bring their raw, unfiltered truth into the room. Our job isn’t to slap a motivational quote on it. It’s to honour it.
Yes, we can help clients find meaning and strength. But not by skipping the sadness. We go through the hard stuff, not around it.
Rewriting the Narrative
So how do we move toward a healthier emotional culture?
Normalise discomfort. Life is hard. That’s not negative—it’s reality. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re alive.
Be emotionally bilingual. Learn to speak both the language of hope and the language of pain. They’re not opposites—they’re companions.
Choose empathy over platitudes. “That sucks” is sometimes more healing than “Just stay positive!”
Model emotional honesty. With your colleagues, your friends, your family. Show them that it's okay to feel the whole spectrum.
And remember: you can be grateful and grieving. You can feel joy and anger. You can be hopeful and heartbroken. Life is complex. So are we.
Final Thoughts: Permission to Be Real
If you’ve ever felt like you had to “stay strong” when you were falling apart, or “stay positive” when all you wanted was to scream into a pillow—you’re not alone.
Let’s stop trying to out-happy each other. Let’s give ourselves permission to be fully human—messy, moody, marvellous human beings who sometimes need to cry, curse, or eat cereal for dinner.
And if anyone tells you to “just smile!” when your world is on fire, feel free to hand them a bucket of water—and a copy of this blog.
If you want help navigating emotional overwhelm without the sugar-coating, therapy is a great place to start. No forced positivity. Just real talk, real tools, and a real connection. You bring the feelings—I’ll bring the drinks (water of course).
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay