As a therapist, one of the things I say most often—sometimes even more than “how does that make you feel?”—is this: You are allowed to have boundaries.
Let’s pause for effect.
You. Are. Allowed. To. Have. Boundaries.
Not only allowed, but encouraged. In fact, personal boundaries are one of the most powerful forms of self-care you can practice. And no, I’m not talking about bubble baths and scented candles (though I fully support those too). I’m talking about the kind of self-care that sometimes looks like:
• Saying no to things that drain you
• Putting limits on how much you give
• Refusing to apologise for needing space
• Not replying to that text immediately—and being okay with it
Boundaries are the invisible fences that protect your emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. They don’t push people away—they teach people how to respect you.
So, let’s talk about what boundaries really are, why they matter, and how to set them without turning into a guilt-ridden puddle of over-explaining.
What Are Personal Boundaries?
Think of personal boundaries like a front door to your home. You decide who comes in, how long they stay, and what shoes (or baggage) they bring with them.
Boundaries can be:
• Physical (“Please don’t stand so close, I’m not a plant.”)
• Emotional (“I care about your feelings, but I can’t absorb all of them right now.”)
• Mental (“I have my own thoughts and opinions, and that’s okay.”)
• Time-related (“I can chat, but only for 20 minutes because I’ve got things to do—like breathe.”)
• Digital (“I’m not available 24/7 just because I have a phone.”)
In short: boundaries are where you end and someone else begins.
Why Do We Struggle With Boundaries?
Let’s be honest: setting boundaries doesn’t always come naturally. For many of us, saying “no” feels like we’re being rude, selfish, or unkind. (Hello, people-pleasers and recovering overachievers. I see you.)
Here’s why we often resist boundaries:
• We were raised to be “nice.” (Translation: put everyone else’s needs first.)
• We fear rejection. If we say no, will they stop liking us?
• We feel responsible for other people’s feelings. (Spoiler: we’re not.)
• We don’t want to seem “difficult.” We want to be easy-going and agreeable—even at our own expense.
Sound familiar?
But here’s the truth: Boundaries don’t make you mean. They make you honest. And healthy relationships (with friends, partners, co-workers, family—even your dog walker) are built on honesty.
What Happens When You Don’t Set Boundaries?
Well, a few things. None of them great.
• You feel overwhelmed, resentful, and exhausted—like you’re constantly running on fumes.
• You start to disconnect from your own needs, because you're too busy meeting everyone else’s.
• You say “yes” when you mean “no,” then stew about it for three days.
• You become a magnet for emotional vampires. (You know the ones. Always taking, never giving.)
In other words, your life starts to feel like it belongs to everyone but you.
Signs Your Boundaries Could Use a Little Boost
If you’re wondering whether your boundaries are too porous (or maybe non-existent), here are a few red flags:
• You often feel taken advantage of or unappreciated.
• You say “yes” immediately and regret it later.
• You have trouble asking for what you need.
• You feel guilty when you take time for yourself.
• You constantly put others’ needs above your own—even when it hurts.
If any of these resonate, don’t panic. Boundaries are a skill, not a personality trait. And skills can be learned. I wasn’t born with good boundaries; I learned the hard way that it wasn’t me but certain people around me (at that time).
How to Start Setting Boundaries (Without Losing Everyone You Love)
Here’s the good news: you can set boundaries and be a kind, loving, thoughtful human. In fact, boundaries help you stay that way without burning out.
Here’s how to start:
1. Check in with yourself
What makes you feel drained, resentful, anxious, or used? Those feelings are boundary red flags. Start noticing them.
2. Decide what you need
More time? More space? More honesty in a relationship? Less obligation? Identify what would make you feel safe and supported.
3. Use clear, kind language
Here’s a trick, be direct, but not dramatic.
Try:
• “I’m not available for that right now.”
• “I need some time to think before I say yes.”
• “I can’t take that on, but I hope it goes well.”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”
Notice how none of those include:
• An apology
• A three-paragraph explanation
• A backup offer of your soul in exchange
4. Stick to it
People might push back at first—especially if they’ve benefited from your lack of boundaries in the past. Stay calm. Repeat yourself if needed. Boundaries aren’t up for negotiation just because someone doesn’t like them.
A Quick Note on Guilt
Here’s something I remind clients all the time:
Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It often means you’re doing something new.
If you’re not used to protecting your time and energy, guilt is just your brain adjusting. That doesn’t mean your boundary is bad. It means your nervous system is having a little panic about change.
Deep breath. You’re allowed to protect your peace.
Boundaries Aren’t Walls—They’re Bridges
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting people out. It means creating a healthy framework for connection. When you communicate your needs clearly, you give others permission to do the same.
Boundaries lead to better relationships—not fewer. They help you show up more authentically, with less resentment and more energy.
They help you say “yes” with your whole heart, not just out of obligation.
They make space for you to actually enjoy your life instead of surviving it.
And that, my friend, is the magic.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve to Take Up Space
If no one has ever told you this: your needs matter. Your time matters. Your energy matters. You are not selfish for protecting those things. You’re smart. You’re brave. You’re building a life that works for you, not just everyone around you.
And if you’re still thinking, “This boundary stuff sounds good in theory, but in real life, it’s hard”? You’re absolutely right. It’s hard. But you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Ready to Build Stronger Boundaries Without Burning Bridges?
If you’re tired of feeling stretched thin, overwhelmed, or just plain tired of saying yes when you mean no—therapy can help. Together, we’ll untangle the guilt, explore what’s holding you back, and practice setting healthy limits that feel good and sustainable.
✨ Let’s work together to protect your peace and reclaim your time.
👉 Book a session today and let’s build the boundaries your future self will thank you for.
Image by u_7egpmxvswe from Pixabay